More Doctor, Doctor

(None of which can I claim ownership)

• A man went to his doctor and said ~~~ I think I’m a jelly baby? ~~~ The doctor bit his head off.
  
• What can I do? I think I’m a pair of curtains ~~~ Pull yourself together man!
  
• Can I have a second opinion? ~~~ Of course, come back tomorrow!
  
• I think I’ve broken my neck? ~~~ Don’t worry ~~~ keep your chin up!
  
• I feel like a pack of cards? ~~~ I’ll deal with you later!
  
• Every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this stabbing pain in my eye? ~~~ I suggest you take the spoon out!
  
• I feel like a spoon? ~~~ Stand still and don’t stir!
  
• My irregular heartbeat is really frightening me? ~~~ Don’t worry ~~~ we’ll soon put a stop to it!
  
• I think I’m a bell? ~~~ Take these and if it doesn’t help give me a ring!
  
• I’ve got insomnia? ~~~ Just sit on the edge of the bed, You’ll soon drop off!
  
• I feel like biscuits! ~~~ What, you mean those square ones? ~~~ Yes!
  The ones you put butter on? ~~~ Yes! ~~~ Oh, you’re crackers!
  
• Doc, I can’t stop singing the green green grass of home ~~~ That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome
  Is it common? ~~~ It’s not unusual
  
• Is there anything wrong with my heart?
  ~~~ After a thorough examination I can confidently say it will last as long as you do!